Weaning Teas

Well I’m seriously considering weaning my 2 yr old completely from the breast. In early March my hubby and I will be visit tennessee for 4 days. During that time I know my breasts will be totally engorged so I’ll need to bring my pump and I want to bring some teas with me. In my research ice read that sage, mint and parsley can help dry up your milk. I figure 4 days with no nursing and the teas should make me pretty dry.
The only problems are 1) my youngest’s is really booby attached and 2) I don’t know if I’m ready.

I don’t know if I want to weaning completely and force the issue or let him wean naturally when he is ready. I don’t know if by weaning if he will sleep better or worse at night.
I just don’t know.



Mommy groups

I did not write this but it is hilarious!!!!

Lesson Ten: You Shouldn’t Even Need a Business Card to Go to the Damn Park | The Stir.

As a parent, you are expected to associate with other parents who have children the same age as yours. I’m not sure exactly why but I suspect it’s because bears are less likely to attack large groups of people. I’ve been told that it’s because motherhood can be isolating and that mommy-and-me playdates are a great way for moms to relax and enjoy each other’s company.

I don’t know who started that rumor but it’s extremely misleading, as most mothers leave those groups feeling exhausted, judged, and even more lonely than before. This is why you should choose friends based on whether you like them or not, rather than solely because they had unprotected sex in the same month that your IUD failed.

I mean, that would be like choosing a husband based on the coincidence that you both know how to groom cats, or have the exact same genitals. It might give you something to talk about for a few days but pretty soon you realize that one of you is 85 and Icelandic and the other is a heroin addict who only speaks Spanish.

Still, many new mothers feel that joining playgroups is an essential part of being a parent and some even enjoy the experience. These women are usually drunk. Or they’re super competimoms who need someone to compare themselves to so they feel good about the fact that they’ve terrified their child into potty-training at 3 months. You can usually tell them apart because the drunk moms are having a much better time and are more likely to get arrested. The competimoms are the ones handing out mommy business cards and who are much less topless.

The first time someone handed me a mommy business card, I thought it was a joke. It said, “I’m Jayden’s mommy. Here is our number and address. Please come rob us.” That last line was just implied. I handed her a copy of my business card (“The Bloggess: Only offensive to assholes”) and then she told me that she didn’t actually have enough mommy cards and she took hers back. I told her it was fine because I have a photographic memory and asked if she had any dogs or security cameras. She left. Quickly. But that’s probably for the best because most “mommy business cards” are a sign that you should run like hell because that chick is probably insane. Still, the concept is a good one so I’ve decided to make some mommy cards for the rest of us

This last card is more of a test. If the mom laughs, then it’s probably a good match. If the mom is appalled and starts backing away slowly, then just clarify that it’s only because she seems like a conscientious parent who would totally feed her child all-organic and you’re trying to cut back on preservatives.

If anything, it’s a compliment.

All proceeds from the sales of these cards go to the-fund-to-buy-me-stronger-meds.


Angel and a Devil

Ever see yourself, watch yourself as you act in anger? Try to tell yourself to go cool off while telling yourself to go fuck off? As a mom I watch myself. In the back of my head I keep my family and friends’ judgements of me and my children. I constantly feel under attack. So I attack and react with guilt. My oldest acts spoiled and whinnying so I crack down hard on his behavior. I spank or yell or both. I shouldn’t. Afterwards, I’m broken. I’m weak and torn. I apologize.
I love to see my children smile. My oldest loves dinosaurs. We went onto a children’s consignment shop and he saw one so I got it. He doesn’t need a new toy but I still got it plus 2 Dino books. I’m sucker for obsessions.
I feel guilty because I should show more restraint and teach him to appreciate what he has….
He only behaving as I have taught him through modeling or lessons. He is the child. I am the adult. I should behave if I expect him too.
God, please help me! Please help me!


Well today was the first dentist appt. For my 4 and 2 yr old. My oldest surprised the hell out if me. He got a clean, Xrays, flossing and exam and was an angel! My youngest sat in my lap and squealed like a pig when the dentist only visually checked his teeth.
In my youngest defense he was a bit cranky…staying up from 1 am – 3:30 am and waking up at 7 am is bound to make you tired. I swear I contemplated my suicide last night when that boy refused to sleep and refused to let me leave his room. Suicide was the only option where I wouldn’t end up in jail and disowned by my family.
Anyways, after the dentist we went by my mom’s house, chased the cat, bothered the dog, made a mess and had lunch with my mom.
I gave the boys a hair cut and alex came home bringing with him My youngest’s new bed.
This twin sized bed is for the sole purpose of mommy being comfortable when trapped with that little raging booby demon at night.
Needless to say, night weaning is NOT working!!!!!

Laying eggs

So this evening as I try to steal a few moments alone in a
steaming hot bath my husband comes in and says my oldest is crying
because he needs me. I told my hubby to let my 4 yr old in. He
brought his dinosaurs and we started to enjoy our soak. Now this
boy loves dinosaurs and has rented any Dino movie we can find, so
of course he knows that dinos lay eggs. So we were talking and one
thing lead to another and we talking about how boys and girls have
different private parts… Yes I said penis and vagina to my son
and that eggs and babies come out of a mother’s body. When he said
how? I said through the vagina. He looks up at me and says “but
babies are too big”… Don’t I know it kid, don’t I know it! I’ve
come to the conclusion that I’m not going to shy away from the sex
talk eith my books. We live in to risky of a time to take chances
without good info and I want our kids to feel comfortable talking
to us about anything… Even sex or genital issues. When I was a
kid I only got an age appropriate book from my parents and then the
typical abstinence speeches in youth group. I learned most of what
I know from reading romance novels… Talk about setting ones self
up for disappointment.

2 years old

Yesterday, my youngest turn 2 yrs old. I can remember where
and approximately when he was conceived. His older brother seemed
to instinctively know I was pregnant even before I did because he
would lift my shirt and kiss my belly. It was weird…. Until we
found out I was pregnant then it made sense. My oldest loved my
belly. After bath time he would sit or stand on my belly and give
me hugs and kisses. I was 5 days over the estimated due date the
doctors gave me. When I finally went into labor I rushed to the
hospital because I’d never gone into labor naturally and was
nervous on the 1/2 hour drive. Well I was only fingertip dilated
and stayed that way all day until they gave me pitocin, broke my
waters and face me an epidural. All things I had wanted to avoid
but caused by heading to the hospital to early and well once I’m
there I only want to leave. My youngest was born between 5:15-5:30
weighing in at 8 lbs 14 oz I think. He could have been born earlier but the nurse didn’t check me and when I asked how would we know she said it would feel like a bowel movement. Well I had a feeling on pressure for about 30 minutes but not like a had to poop. Anyways, he was born after about 5 pushes. Bruised and with bloody looking eyes, looking nothing like his brother.

He nursed like a champ. Although, I was pissed the nurses kept trying to do a glucose test
on him for like 15 mins. I almost jumped out of the bed I was so
furious. [damn epidural prevented me] Give me my damn baby!!! Thankfully, this time no one asked
me 6 times if I wanted him circumcised like they did with my
oldest. He was totally different from my first and he never received formula in the hospital.  He was calm and
content from the start.

He co-slept until 5-7 months, didn’t like baby foods, didn’t
like to nurse in public because he was to distracted, and didn’t
like bottles at all.

He is starting potty training and still nurses
about 3-6 times in a 24 hr period.

He loves toy story and Diego.

Lately, I’ve read so much more on natural birth and how it should go that I wish I could go back in time and do his labor and birth over. Well I can’t and I’m done having children so no use crying over spilled milk.


As I’m tucking my four yr old in bed this was our conversation…

‘Mommy can I pick my nose?’
‘Sure but only at home. Not at school, church or in front of other people.’
‘Cause they think it is nasty?’
‘Yes, they think it’s nasty’
‘But not you?’
‘No, not me, as long as you don’t put boogers on me.’
‘The dog? ‘
‘No, not the dogs, in the garbage’
‘ No, you put them back in our noses.’

This could have been the “playing with penis” conversation except for the whole putting it in the nose part….
Ahhh the joys of parenting!!!

Read before having kids

(I did not write this)


1. Go to the
grocery store.

2. Arrange to have your
salary paid directly to their head office.

3. Go home.

4. Pick up the paper.

5. Read it for the last time.

Lesson 2

Before you finally go ahead and have
children, find a couple who already are parents and berate them
about their…

1. Methods of

2. Lack of patience.

3. Appallingly low tolerance levels.

4. Allowing their children to run wild.

5. Suggest ways in which they might improve their
child’s breastfeeding, sleep habits, toilet training, table
manners, and overall behavior.

Enjoy it
because it will be the last time in your life you will have all the


A really good way
to discover how the nights might feel…

Get home from work and immediately begin walking around the living
room from 5PM to 10PM carrying a wet bag weighing approximately
8-12 pounds, with a radio turned to static (or some other obnoxious
sound) playing loudly. (Eat cold food with one hand for

2. At 10PM, put the bag gently down,
set the alarm for midnight, and go to sleep.

3. Get up at 12 and walk around the living room again, with
the bag, until 1AM.

4. Set the alarm for

5. As you can’t get back to sleep, get
up at 2AM and make a drink and watch an infomercial.

6. Go to bed at 2:45AM.

Get up at 3AM when the alarm goes off.

Sing songs quietly in the dark until 4AM.

Get up. Make breakfast. Get ready for work and go to work (work
hard and be productive)

Repeat steps 1-9 each night. Keep this up for 3-5 years. Look
cheerful and together.

Lesson 4

you stand the mess children make? T o find out…

1. Smear peanut butter onto the sofa and jam onto the

2. Hide a piece of raw chicken
behind the stereo and leave it there all summer.

3. Stick your fingers in the flower bed.

4. Then rub them on the clean walls.

Take your favorite book, photo album, etc. Wreck it.

6. Spill milk on your new pillows. Cover the
stains with crayons. How does that look?

Lesson 5

Dressing small children is not as easy as it

1. Buy an octopus and a small bag
made out of loose mesh.

2. Attempt to put
the octopus into the bag so that none of the arms hang out.

Time allowed for this –
all morning.


Forget the BMW
and buy a mini-van. And don’t think that you can leave it out in
the driveway spotless and shining. Family cars don’t look like

1. Buy a chocolate ice cream cone and
put it in the glove compartment.

Leave it

2. Get a dime. Stick it in the CD

3. Take a family size package of
chocolate cookies. Mash them into the back seat. Sprinkle cheerios
all over the floor, then smash them with your foot.

4. Run a garden rake along both sides of the

Lesson 7

Go to the local grocery
store. Take with you the closest thing you can find to a pre-school
child. (A full-grown goat is an excellent choice). If you intend to
have more than one child, then definitely take more than one goat.
Buy your week’s groceries without letting the goats out of your
sight. Pay for everything the goat eats or destroys. Until you can
easily accomplish this, do not even contemplate having


1. Hollow out a

2. Make a small hole in the

3. Suspend it from the ceiling and
swing it from side to side.

4. Now get a
bowl of soggy Cheerios and attempt to spoon them into the swaying
melon by pretending to be an airplane.

Continue until half the Cheerios are gone.

6. Tip half into your lap. The other half, just throw up in
the air.

You are
now ready to feed a nine- month-old baby.

Lesson 9

Learn the names of every character from Sesame
Street , Barney, Disney, the Teletubbies, and Pokemon. Watch
nothing else on TV but PBS, the Disney channel or Noggin for at
least five years. (I know, you’re thinking What’s ‘Noggin’?)
Exactly the point.

Lesson 10

a recording of Fran Drescher saying ‘mommy’ repeatedly. (Important:
no more than a four second delay between each ‘mommy’; occasional
crescendo to the level of a supersonic jet is required). Play this
tape in your car everywhere you go for the next four years. You are
now ready to take a long trip with a toddler.

Lesson 11

Start talking to an adult of your choice.
Have someone else continually tug on your skirt hem, shirt- sleeve,
or elbow while playing the ‘mommy’ tape made from Lesson 10 above.
You are now ready to have a conversation with an adult while there
is a child in the room.

This is all very tongue in cheek; anyone who is parent will
say ‘it’s all worth it!’ Share it with your friends, both those who
do and don’t have kids. I guarantee they’ll get a chuckle out of
it. Remember, a sense of humor is one of the most important things
you’ll need when you become a parent!


The boys first trip to Disney’s Magic Kingdom in Orlando.
We stayed at the Waldorf Astoria… very ritzy and ate dinner at
T-Rex in downtown Disney with my in-laws, my bro and sis in law and
my 1 yr old nephew. My boys loved the dinosaurs! The next day we had
a birthday celebration for my nephew at Chef Mickey’s and then a
stroll in magic kingdom. Everything was great except for that
stroll. The boys were tired and cranky and too young to wait nicely
in line. All in all we had fun!