Read before having kids

(I did not write this)


1. Go to the
grocery store.

2. Arrange to have your
salary paid directly to their head office.

3. Go home.

4. Pick up the paper.

5. Read it for the last time.

Lesson 2

Before you finally go ahead and have
children, find a couple who already are parents and berate them
about their…

1. Methods of

2. Lack of patience.

3. Appallingly low tolerance levels.

4. Allowing their children to run wild.

5. Suggest ways in which they might improve their
child’s breastfeeding, sleep habits, toilet training, table
manners, and overall behavior.

Enjoy it
because it will be the last time in your life you will have all the


A really good way
to discover how the nights might feel…

Get home from work and immediately begin walking around the living
room from 5PM to 10PM carrying a wet bag weighing approximately
8-12 pounds, with a radio turned to static (or some other obnoxious
sound) playing loudly. (Eat cold food with one hand for

2. At 10PM, put the bag gently down,
set the alarm for midnight, and go to sleep.

3. Get up at 12 and walk around the living room again, with
the bag, until 1AM.

4. Set the alarm for

5. As you can’t get back to sleep, get
up at 2AM and make a drink and watch an infomercial.

6. Go to bed at 2:45AM.

Get up at 3AM when the alarm goes off.

Sing songs quietly in the dark until 4AM.

Get up. Make breakfast. Get ready for work and go to work (work
hard and be productive)

Repeat steps 1-9 each night. Keep this up for 3-5 years. Look
cheerful and together.

Lesson 4

you stand the mess children make? T o find out…

1. Smear peanut butter onto the sofa and jam onto the

2. Hide a piece of raw chicken
behind the stereo and leave it there all summer.

3. Stick your fingers in the flower bed.

4. Then rub them on the clean walls.

Take your favorite book, photo album, etc. Wreck it.

6. Spill milk on your new pillows. Cover the
stains with crayons. How does that look?

Lesson 5

Dressing small children is not as easy as it

1. Buy an octopus and a small bag
made out of loose mesh.

2. Attempt to put
the octopus into the bag so that none of the arms hang out.

Time allowed for this –
all morning.


Forget the BMW
and buy a mini-van. And don’t think that you can leave it out in
the driveway spotless and shining. Family cars don’t look like

1. Buy a chocolate ice cream cone and
put it in the glove compartment.

Leave it

2. Get a dime. Stick it in the CD

3. Take a family size package of
chocolate cookies. Mash them into the back seat. Sprinkle cheerios
all over the floor, then smash them with your foot.

4. Run a garden rake along both sides of the

Lesson 7

Go to the local grocery
store. Take with you the closest thing you can find to a pre-school
child. (A full-grown goat is an excellent choice). If you intend to
have more than one child, then definitely take more than one goat.
Buy your week’s groceries without letting the goats out of your
sight. Pay for everything the goat eats or destroys. Until you can
easily accomplish this, do not even contemplate having


1. Hollow out a

2. Make a small hole in the

3. Suspend it from the ceiling and
swing it from side to side.

4. Now get a
bowl of soggy Cheerios and attempt to spoon them into the swaying
melon by pretending to be an airplane.

Continue until half the Cheerios are gone.

6. Tip half into your lap. The other half, just throw up in
the air.

You are
now ready to feed a nine- month-old baby.

Lesson 9

Learn the names of every character from Sesame
Street , Barney, Disney, the Teletubbies, and Pokemon. Watch
nothing else on TV but PBS, the Disney channel or Noggin for at
least five years. (I know, you’re thinking What’s ‘Noggin’?)
Exactly the point.

Lesson 10

a recording of Fran Drescher saying ‘mommy’ repeatedly. (Important:
no more than a four second delay between each ‘mommy’; occasional
crescendo to the level of a supersonic jet is required). Play this
tape in your car everywhere you go for the next four years. You are
now ready to take a long trip with a toddler.

Lesson 11

Start talking to an adult of your choice.
Have someone else continually tug on your skirt hem, shirt- sleeve,
or elbow while playing the ‘mommy’ tape made from Lesson 10 above.
You are now ready to have a conversation with an adult while there
is a child in the room.

This is all very tongue in cheek; anyone who is parent will
say ‘it’s all worth it!’ Share it with your friends, both those who
do and don’t have kids. I guarantee they’ll get a chuckle out of
it. Remember, a sense of humor is one of the most important things
you’ll need when you become a parent!


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