2011

So many things i read saddens my soul. Is what we do intentionally with ignorance any better or worse than what we intentionally do with knowledge?
Does a harm done with good intentions make it right? Does a good done accidentally make it wrong?

There are so many harms we inflict upon our children. Sometimes we think it is for their good. Sometimes they are done in anger. Sometimes they are done in ignorance. Sometimes they are done accidentally. Sometimes these harms are inflicted intentionally. Sometimes we harm with our ignorance. Sometimes inspite of our knowledge. Sometimes against our instincts. Sometimes because of our cultural or familial influences.

Sometimes we harm with words. Sometimes with our actions. The harms can be physical, emotional, mental and spiritual.
We make mistake with our children. The main goal is to try to do better once we know more. We need to do better. Because our children come first. We need to admit our faults and mistakes but we can also admit the things we did/do well.

2012

I’m a poor vessel for passionI wane more than most

My soul feels stagnant in this moment

I’ve withdrawn from life’s joust

As I sit surrounded by the ever darkening night

I ponder the shallow depths of my self

Where I’ve been, who I am, how i’ll become

More than that which I’ve been dealt.
My mind won’t quit

It continues it’s dreadful march

Towards the cliffs of uncertainty, doubt, anger, fear

And My self is left unrested, dissipating, parched….

When my brother passed

My screams echo through my mind like a raging storm roaring through a cave. A whirlwind, a tidal wave of anger regrets and sorrow. I never thought, I never saw. I didn’t know that you were a rock in my heart… I didn’t know…..you were always there, I couldn’t see how much you meant because you were always there. now you’re gone and I’m empty and I don’t know

I can’t tell you I’m sorry. I can’t tell you I love you. I can’t tell you goodbye.

I’m like an iron bound Faye who is burning, hurt, tormented and I didn’t know, I didn’t know, I never thought that I would feel this. I never thought, I never thought to lose you. you were always there. you were always present. I’d leave and you were there. I’d come back and you were there. well , I’m back now and you’re gone

Why! it’s not fair, it’s not right, I took you for granted. I thought you were always going to be there and now I’m left with rage, sorrow screaming through my mind like a storm like a tidal wave and there’s nothing I can do about itI don’t want peace I want pain. I want rage, for those are real feelings. those will remind me never again to take another person for granted because even if they seem like they will always be there, one day they won’t be

You are gone and I’m left with the storm, a tidal wave raging through my mind and I just don’t know, I just don’t know, and you’re gone and I’m sorry

——

Random

Poem by me:

Abscond

Rend

Delete

Deny

Alone

Saddened

Morose

Cry

Cracked screen

Corrupted file

Altered dreams

Abject denial

Cannot change

Course is set

Signature is firm

Ink is not wet

Consequences

Choices

Sequences

The stage

Life drawn out

Dramas unfold

Stories unwritten

Words untold

Loneliness

Real

Imagined

Fake

Regret

Full

Empty

Awake.

Though I Wall…..

Poem written by me:

Though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death I shall fear no evil

But I still feel the shadow

Caressing my skin

Shading my crown

Stalking my footpaths

Gracing my halls

Fear conquers nothing

Death conquers all

Life flows

Light glistens

Surely goodness and mercy shall follow me all of my days

Yet the shadow of death still dwells in and beyond the valley

Life updates:

Besides my current mango rash episode, I’m not sure of the last time I updated anyone on my life.

Summer 2014: we left seminary and moved back to our home state. My husband became an Episcopal priest.

Fall 2014- my brother passed away at 36 years old due to undiagnosed heart disease. It was a complete shock. My mother found him.

Winter 2014: I got a tattoo for myself because you only live once. It is a dragon.

Spring 2015: I got another tattoo in memory of my brother who passed away.

Summer 2016: my husband switched parishes/churches.

Spring 2017: I stopped taking Zoloft which I started after the birth of my second child 8 yrs ago. The Zoloft helped keep me mellow and less angry and anxious….. but I wanted off.

Summer 2017: we moved to be closer to that church. We’ve uprooted our kids from their school and friends. I feel horrible and anxious for them.

The church my husband is at is full of wonderfully nice people who seem to love our family.

Things are crazy right now. The move has been very stressful.

One of our dogs is on a steady decline at 13 yrs old with inflammatory tumors that grow rapidly. We’ve had the last 2 surgically removed but are considering no more surgery if they come back.

My parents and grandmas have never truly recover from the loss of my brother. I figure neither have I. I wasn’t close to my brother because our lives were so different and I regret my selfishness and egotisicalness.

One of my younger brothers- my mom’s only other son- may be deployed next year with his reserves squad. I pray nothing happens to him. He has 2 kids and a 3rd to be born this yr.

I fear for my mom if something happens to him or any of us.

I can’t really think of any uplifting things to say besides the fact that I love my family.

Mango/poison Ivy Rash

Hello! I’m not going to link google searches, if you made your way here you’ve already done that!

As you may not have known before becoming traumatized by your mango rash, mango sap contain an oil that is related to poison ivy, poison oak and cashews.

My story starts with picking unripe mangos off a tree at our new house. The sap was dripping from the broken stems and all over my right arm which was cradling the mangos. I simply wiped it off and didn’t rinse or wash the sap off. Cue 48 hrs later I began to develop an itchy splotch on my right arm where the majority of sap had leaked. Cue 3-5 days later, I had a completely itchy arm. 10 days later, my arm was swollen, hot and itchy. I started breaking out in hives on my legs and both arms. I guess I had droplets of sap land on my left arm because my left arm looked like I had chicken pox but my right arm was a mess.

Eventually, we went to a walk in clinic. The dr had never heard of mango rash. I knew it was mango rash because I knew when and how the rash started. I was given a shot of steroids and a prescription for steroid cream, prednisone and an antibiotic. My rash had started to turn in cellulitis or a skin infection caused by bacteria getting into the inflamed site.

Around day 5 or treatment, I had an epiphany and started washing my arms and hives in head and shoulders dandruff shampoo. This helped amazing well and the effect was noticeable in healing.

Mango rash itches like crazy. Keep it cool. Cool water helps a ton and so does ice packs. Benedryl topical gel and creams didn’t cut it nor did really anything available over the counter.

Pictures are in reverse order, I couldn’t get them to post in order of occurrence.

After 10 days of treatment:

After several days of healing and prescription medicines:

Right before I went into the walk in clinic…

It’s getting itchier and bigger

The start of the rash…..