Angel and a Devil

Ever see yourself, watch yourself as you act in anger? Try to tell yourself to go cool off while telling yourself to go fuck off? As a mom I watch myself. In the back of my head I keep my family and friends’ judgements of me and my children. I constantly feel under attack. So I attack and react with guilt. My oldest acts spoiled and whinnying so I crack down hard on his behavior. I spank or yell or both. I shouldn’t. Afterwards, I’m broken. I’m weak and torn. I apologize.
I love to see my children smile. My oldest loves dinosaurs. We went onto a children’s consignment shop and he saw one so I got it. He doesn’t need a new toy but I still got it plus 2 Dino books. I’m sucker for obsessions.
I feel guilty because I should show more restraint and teach him to appreciate what he has….
He only behaving as I have taught him through modeling or lessons. He is the child. I am the adult. I should behave if I expect him too.
God, please help me! Please help me!